Emerging into Spring

Last spring I had a huge emergence out of the vulnerability closet. I got engaged. Then I wrote about the complexities of engagement for me and the post got shared far and wide. It was scary to be exposed in that way.

The end of the summer I had a hard time maintaining the moment of Spring and as I began to get myself back into the grooves with back to school vibes of fall, my dad died.

Fall and winter were dark for me. (They are for everyone even without a recent loss.) The natural patterns of these seasons are looking inward and into places we have not looked at all year.

During Fall, the season was swallowed in the grief and logistics of a loved ones death. The Winter was welcomed as a time to hibernate, rest, take deep self-care and recover. To top it off I was dealing with the intense grief of losing my father paired with the ever present adrenal fatigue. 

But life goes on, and the darkness descends back into itself and life emerges again into Spring.

emerge definition: /əˈmərj/ verb 

1. to become manifest : become known
2. become apparent or prominent.
3. recover from or survive a difficult situation.

For me, the third definition resonates so deeply: 3. recover from or survive a difficult situation.

Now that Spring is here, I am ready to grow and move forward. I have to admit, it is fucking scary to recover and survive the death of my father. I can tell that this Spring I am experiencing immense growth. Simultaneously I am honoring that the whole world is new and raw without the presence of my dad's protection.

I look forward to this season of growth. I am curious to explore the recovery period of this season. And always, always looking forward to what emerges this year. 

Seeds

“All the buried seeds crack open in the dark the instant they surrender to a process they can’t see.”

— Mark Nepo

I have been in the dark. Fighting to see the light. 

The past month has been brutal. Orlando. Alton Sterling. Philando Castile. Dallas. All of a sudden the state of our country, which is almost at civil war, is so blatant. 

It's on every screen. Not only the event, but the aftermath. Orlando then anti-muslim sentiment and homophobia. Alton Sterling and the heartbreak of leaving behind a family. Philando Castile departing a beloved community, 4 year old and girlfriend. Black Lives Matter movement, arrests and more violence by police. Dallas policemen doing their jobs quickly losing their lives.

We, as Americans, are reeling and lost and wondering, how do we remake our country to be the LAND OF THE FREE and the HOME OF THE BRAVE?

Simultaneously, I have been facing my own scary health issues. Some issues as minor as a cavity, some as major as mysterious abdominal pain. 

Amidst cultural turmoil, my body is having its own revolution and civil war. 

I found out that I have an ovarian cyst. It's minor, not a big deal in the spectrum of health issues. But what I was experiencing was intense abdominal pain, feeling flu-ish and very uncomfortable in my body.

I got an ultrasound to look at my abdomen more closely and when I left the lab, I hurriedly walked to the car and called my fiancé. The phone rang twice and he picked up, 

"Hi" I said

"Hey, what's up?" he said

"I don't know..... I still....I just....I don't know what's happening..."

I broke into pieces right there over the phone. Big fat alligator tears rolled down my face and my breath caught in my throat. I was still in pain, had just done an exam, and now had to wait 5 days to get the results.

As a health practitioner, I knew the chances of something being really wrong and needing a procedure were low. I was shaking in my boots, as a patient, I am just like anyone else, lost, scared, confused and feeling crappy. 

I have a wide variety of solutions outside the western medical toolbox. I have herbs, (and herbalist friends) great foods, traditional women's health remedies and beyond amazing healer practitioner friends. But I did not want to be the crazy-alternative-medicine-lady who avoids going to the MD and then needs emergency surgery because her plant medicine wasn't the right thing. 

So I went, got the tests, paid for the doctor's appointments (that needs another essay, our healthcare system is wack) and I waited. Turns out, there's nothing much to do in western medicine, just sit, and wait for it to get better. Go back and get more tests, aka more dollars spent. 

For now, I have my resources, herbs, practitioners, friends who are practitioners, nutrition, and a few other tricks. It has made it all the more clear how VITAL it is for "alternative" health care such as acupuncture, herbalism, massage etc to be much higher on the list of resources AND integrated with our western medicine system. 

Simultaneous to this cultural and personal darkness there has been growth. These insanely violent murders have brought to light, loud and clear the big rift and all the work that needs to happen in this country. We have a long way to go to redefine how to truly be free and brave.

“If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability. When we commit to showing up and risking falling, we are actually committing to falling...Daring is saying, “I know I will eventually fail and I’m still all in.””

— Brené Brown

Personally, in my darkness I have cracked open to my need to keep being vulnerable, sharing my experience and supporting others through their moments of mental and physical darkness. It seems there is no other way than to crack open and surrender. 

I don't know the answer, or the solutions. I am still grappling with the heartbreak of the violent injustices committed. And I am still figuring out how to get my body back to 100%. What I do know is that these seeds have been in the dark, and they have cracked open and grown, and I will follow their lead. 

Enough.

WHY?!

That's what I ask myself all the time.

WHY should I get off the couch, when my heart feels like a canon ball and my limbs feel like deadweight?

WHY leave my house when people are getting killed, or raped?

WHY bother to open my heart when it is inevitably going to be chewed up, spit out and stomped on?

WHY have we as humans in a modern world still be so able to hurt and traumatize one another?

In my eyes there is not enough room in this world for all the broken hearts that beat inside people's chests. And so we pass on our pain to share the brokenness.

There is so much fear, of ourselves, of one another that the world continues to spin with daily hate crimes, violence and lack of humanity.

In my eyes, there is only so much each of us can do, and are we doing enough?

Is being an ally enough?

Is voting enough?

Is protesting enough?

Is writing our senators enough?

Is organizing community enough?

Is any of it enough?

The answer is no. None of that is enough. There will never be enough time in the day or energy humanly possible to solve all the hurt in the world at once. 

But the difference between those actions being enough versus our beings being enough is that,
WE ARE ENOUGH
I AM ENOUGH
YOU ARE ENOUGH

If those words don't ring true when you say them, this is where you start. This is the beginning of the process. 

The more of you can feel in your bones that "I AM ENOUGH" the more people you can love, support and give to. 

Your enough-ness, will comfort them and show them it is possible to also feel that way too. Your enough-ness will help you realize when someone else is suffering. Your enough-ness will help you realize that someone may not respond to you, or do what you want them to do in the way you want them to do, but it is not about you. Your enough-ness lets others be enough. 

If we had a world of people that could say "I AM ENOUGH" and feel it in their bones there would be a lot less rage, violence and trauma.

When we have a world of people that can say "I AM ENOUGH" we get to say ENOUGH to gun violence, homophobia, racism, bigotry. 

Until then, there will continue to be hate, violence and outbreaks. 

Until then, I will be here, reminding myself everyday that "I AM ENOUGH" and sharing that with you too, "YOU ARE ENOUGH"

Vulnerability is Terrifying

Vulnerable Definition:

1. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.

2. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.

3. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend

Damn. Looking at that definition, almost every cell in my body wants to run screaming in the other direction. I am going to be fully, vulnerably honest. It was terrifying to post some of the dark moments of my engagement. I had no idea if people would want to know the dark stuff. I didn't know if I was ruining an illusion that people were attached to, or what their reactions might be.

Instead of people running away screaming, I got 30+ emails from colleagues, friends and I even got approached by my 15 year old niece.

She asked me, "Lolo, what is this instagram post? What do you mean 'the not so good parts of being engaged'?"

I froze. 'Oh shit.' I thought. What have I gotten myself into? Should I screen my family, so I don't have to share this with them. I kind of wanted my writing to spread far and wide to help strangers. The up-close personal, family and friends really knowing you... that's scary.

I think that we all have shadows, face darkness and know what it feels like to struggle. As we keep moving forward it is vital to create a community of people who are willing to pay attention, acknowledge their depth and share their tenderest moments. This is the way we can feel less isolated and alone in those moments.

I looked at my niece, 15 years old, a freshman in high school. Life is rather black and white, she is self-assured, from a great family, she knows there is bad in the world, but has not had to experience much of it. I looked at her sister, standing behind her, 17 years old and finishing her junior year of high school. I explained, "Well, C, your sister, she is graduating next year, that's really exciting right?"

"Yeah." They both replied.

"But also, isn't it a little sad that you won't be living in the same house anymore, you won't be playing softball together anymore and she will be leaving some of your childhood behind..." I trailed off.

"Yeah. True. But you're engaged!" They responded and then went back to checking their phones.

I realize that I have ripped off the bandaid, there is no more hiding, there is no more pretending where things don't hurt or affect me. It is out in the world for you, for my family, for my friends and hopefully can help bring a little light to the shadows of our experiences.

We need these stories. We need these moments to share, to make change. In light of this week's Emily Doe vs. Brock Turner case, I admire this woman who shared her story on the stand and with the world. We need more people to speak up about the moments that hurt so we can have community, support and release some pent up pain. To me, she is doing her work, and in the words of Brené Brown, she is both Daring Greatly and Rising Strong. Brene Brown has been a huge catalyst, push, inspiration for me to keep doing, sharing and living this work.

Stay with me. I will keep working to share my wholeheartedness with you.

As always, questions or comments for me, what this brought up for you are welcome by commenting below or contact me!

DisEngaged

Simple Definition of engaged: promised to be married: busy with some activity

 

I got engaged!

As I announce this one by one to family and friends I have to say that their excitement is palpable. Mine…depends on the day.

There is definitely excitement, elation, heart-opening joy, but there is also some dark stuff, that creeps up, quietly lining each happy emotion with a thin shadow.

I have been trying to figure out how to explain this, and also to figure out why these “negative” feelings have been surfacing during this moment that is supposed to be one of the happiest of my life.

I am making a huge leap forward with my partner. We have been together for six years and lived together for three. Truly, we have already created a marriage. A couple months ago when he and I decided to make it official, I was really excited. I loved having the secret. Part of me wanted to tell everyone, but we decided to keep it just about us for a little bit.

Now that it's announced, I have to say there is a lot of fear, anxiety, and stoicism happening for me. It's confusing. I realized that some of those above listed emotions are coming on because there is an underlying sadness. 

“The brightest lights bring out the deepest shadows”

— Carolyn Elliot

No matter what joy or success I have, there is always a little grief at letting go of what I had before (even if it is high time to be movin' on). Since I put on that ring, I have experienced many high and low emotions; I have realized the shadow side of me is right there. She waits for moments like these to truly show her depth. 

My shadow side emotions are quite separate from how I feel about my partner and my relationship.

I am very much in love with him.

I am deeply grateful for him.

I am constantly amazed at what steady love, attention and support he has for me.

I am deeply grateful that he and I have worked, over, under and through MANY conflicts - and come out the other side for the better.

I am proud and impressed that we have come out rough patches communicating kindly, truly seeing each other and learning when to compromise and when to honor our separate selves.

Last year, when I had come home from an intense 10 days away with some of the best women I know, I excitedly downloaded details from the trip with my girlfriends, my good friend’s baby and inspiration from a 3 day retreat. As I reflected on this time, my growth, how far I had come, my then boyfriend looked at me, with tears in his eyes, and said “I am so proud of you for doing this work.”

That sentence was pivotal in our relationship. Before that moment, I tried to give him peeks into my alternative world, into Chinese medicine, and intuitive work and my personal work. But it was personal, and I was shy to share it. That sentence, dissolved most of my fear and I felt so proud to be so loved in the place where I was most vulnerable.

For the past 10 months we have been doing work together in couple’s therapy. We entered it after a rocky time in our relationship, as a way to see if we could repair some cracks or if it was time to cut the rope. We also entered it as a way to pre-marital work.  We wanted to enter the next phase of life together equipped with ways to compromise instead of hitting the same arguments, the same blocks.

I have seen many relationships and marriages of different shapes and sizes. I have seen them up close and personal and what I have learned is the great ones are few and far between, and they take a lot of work. Signing up for that is fucking scary. It’s not too different from the current life that we have together. It is taking a deeper, more self-assured step, into that work.

I said yes, I am engaged, I am moving forward. I bid a final farewell to my single lady self. I take the highs and lows of the shift into the identity of wife. I am facing my fears about taking the risk that anything is possible and the very scary thought it could not work out.

Onto this next adventure, of engagement, wedding planning and really getting to spend a life with the man I love. I am so grateful to have him by my side as I ride these highs and lows.

There is room for all of it: joy, fear, elation, and disappointment. But my brightest moments are opportunities to face my deepest shadows.

Dear Shadow,

Thank you for reminding me that life is not all puppies and roses, nor can we all be Peter Pan and live in Never Never Land. (Part of me wants it to be so much) I choose to be Wendy. To hold tender those moments of play, single life, adventure and youth but also to grow up. It does not mean that I cannot visit whenever I want. 

I hope to incorporate all the play and adventure into married life and I choose to move on from the last chapter. Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Love, Lauren

On Being Sick & A Holistic Perfectionist

I hate being sick.

It's hard for me to rest and sleep when my body is telling me to slow down. Every time some new symptoms show up in my body I try to diagnose myself. My acupuncturist - herbalist- practitioner brain tries desperately to figure out what the quickest (holistic) fix is.

Even after 7 years of being in Chinese Medicine, I still struggle in my own body that sometimes it doesn't work perfectly.

While I struggle with this holistic perfectionism, ultimately being sick has taught me how to be a better practitioner. I was a pretty healthy kid, but I got really sick when I was 14. After the fall semester of vigorous training for the crew team, I got strep throat over winter break. I remember the moment I felt it. It was the day after Christmas and I was sitting on the floor of the waiting room at Emergency. My cousins, aunts, uncles and parents were all there.  My grandmother, who we were visiting, had had a little stroke and was in the hospital. I was exhausted, my body hurt all over and it hurt to swallow. I got antibiotics, "recovered" and went back to school and life. Then I got the flu. I can't remember if I got better, but I know I got a second round of strep throat. (I now know that when there are consecutive rounds of strep throat it is usually the same bacteria that never goes away and is waiting for the correct circumstance to come back - if this is happening to you, let's talk and we can put you on herbs and probiotics to get your body back)

The result of being consecutively sick for two months at the age of 14 was that I was tired all the time. My stomach hurt constantly and random symptoms would pop up, achy-ness, headaches...you name it. 

I didn't have energy to keep on keepin' on. I also began to have allergies for the first time in my life and that summer. When I was outside enjoying the heat of summer nights getting bit by mosquitos the bites turned into hard swollen knots the size of tennis balls, my immunity was shot.

I switched from full time at High School to part time home teaching and part time going to school. I was embarrassed about not being able to be a "normal" teenager, and even my best friends couldn't totally understand why I was constantly missing class and not around like everyone else.

Being sick really changed my life. All of a sudden, at the age of 14, I had to treat my body with special care.

I was a teenager, moderation was the last thing I was interested in. I spent high school not doing sports, doing way less activity than my peers and just trying to be "normal". I got better, I was able to do school and weekend fun. But I wasn't doing all the after school stuff of sports or clubs or other stuff, I didn't have capacity. 

I left my life behind when I went to college in New York. I had recovered enough and had a pretty successfully healthy college experience. But depletion began to rear its ugly head in my senior year. I started having blackouts. (not the drinking kind). I went to a couple MD's who didn't have much to say or do about it. I was left terrified and confused. This began my journey with acupuncture.

As a child, I was deeply afraid of needles. I would turn green when I would get my blood drawn and feel faint when getting shots. Feeling stranded by western medicine and wanting an answer to why i was having blackouts, my acupuncturist was such a ray of light. She asked me about my period, what the quality of blood was, what color it was, if I got cramps. She asked me about my digestion and appetite. When she needled me I could feel sensation up and down the channels. 

Finding a diagnosis - even in Chinese medicine felt reassuring and like I wasn't simply crazy. This was the beginning of my dive into Chinese Medicine and becoming an acupuncturist.

My health history is complex and confusing and sub-medical. I have never been able to find help or answers from MDs. Even when I have visible symptoms on my body, my vital signs, blood levels and every test come back completely within the normal range.

This experience has given me a keen eye. As a practitioner I see through lots of layers and information and stay curious about what the root of an issue could be. Experiencing lackluster doctors has given me the motivation to truly seek help for my patients so they continue to improve.

With all the health issues I have dealt with I have learned a lot. And sometimes, I still get sick, or have weird symptoms. What I have found that no matter how healthy I get, there can always be something that happens to my body.

It does not make me a failure to be a human who gets sick, doesn't feel well, and doesn't always know how to fix herself. 

Whenever I get healthier I tend to push my body in different ways. Sometimes this causes new symptoms. My self-care practice is better than it ever has been. My overall health is the best it has been in 15 years. And I continue to work on the fact that I am a human and finding holistic solutions to immediately fix myself does not make me a better person. 

If you have been a holistic perfectionist - come join me in this journey. Being hard on ourselves does not help us to heal.

I am letting go.

I am forgiving myself.

I am making space to be a human. 

Creating Space - The Depth of Winter & Contraction

What is space? How do we create it? 

Space is simple. It is padding of time, a breath or physical distance. It can be being alone, away, but there can be space in the midst of a bustling city corner with rushing pedestrians and honking horns.

If you are an introvert you probably 'get' what space is, and how to take it or make it for yourself. Space is downtime, time you don't need to be 'on'. This is something that introverts need. It's a way to balance the time they are out in the world and need to be on and engaged with groups of people.

While downtime and making space can be something that is familiar to many, it's also foreign to many others. We live in a world where there is a lot of value on action, results and being seen socially. Life appears as images on social media, when we hang out with friends, being out in the world. Often these works can be bettered by having invisible time, being alone, not doing anything, sleeping a lot, taking time to write (just for yourself) and look inward.

This space is a natural part of our Winter season. Many of us dread winter, it's cold, dark, miserable. There is a major key to living in it well, rather than surviving it: accept and embrace it.  Winter is necessary, take time to contract, take time alone. It is a great time to look deep inward. It is the perfect time to evaluate your calendar year and look to the next one. It is the perfect time to make resolutions (not to take action on them). It is the perfect time of year to access some of our deepest dreams and desires.

Sleep, hibernate, eat well, spend candlelit nights writing about your deepest, and darkest thoughts.

The Darkest Day

December 22, 2015 marks the shortest day and longest night of the year. It is the day where we will have the least amount of light in our lives. While many think of this as the beginning of winter, it is really the mark of the peak of winter. Right in the middle of the cold, comes this day where there is little light and a long night.

Has your year been heavy? Dark? Sad? Have you felt a list of physically draining symptoms (low-libido, fatigue, pain)? Are you ready to shift away from the many things that are hard for you and move towards a life that is more of what you love?

The winter solstice is a pivotal moment where our hours in the night have a beautiful way of telling us,  "This is as dark as it gets. It just gets lighter from here."

If you have been carrying pain, suffering and you are ready to let go of it, today is a great day to get it out of your system. Write a journal entry, paint something, and toss it into your fireplace or burn it safely over a candle. Think to yourself, "I am releasing..." 

With this same intention of movement and shifting we are moving into longer days, which means more light! While we look at what we want to release, we can also look at what we are ready to have more of in our lives. Light a candle, think of what you want and bring anything that represents more of what you want.

Wishing you a warm and cozy dark day. May you light as many candles as your heart desires.